That was one long cold wet winter and, like many of you, I suffered through that lingering cold bug. It came on so slowly and then turned into the cough that never went away. After a month it took a definite turn for the worse: fever, chills, hacking. I had to forgo Wednesday Waves which literally never happens. It takes a lot for me to go to the doctor, but I did. She declared sinus and ear infection and prescribed the big meds. I came home and cancelled a busy two day schedule and did nothing but sleep.
I am sometimes chided by people close to me for an incessant energizer bunny trait. But I wouldn’t want it any other way; I love my ability to be in productive creative motion. I feel aliveness in creation, in manifestation, in nurturing and growing something from scratch to fullness. And it was so extraordinary to just stop. To just surrender. To just roll over and go back to sleep again. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone but it did me a world of good. Feel myself turning the corner today so I am actually sitting by the fire and writing about something I have wanted to put into words for a long time.
And it comes right out of this polarity between creative manifestation and surrender. Last year, even before surgery in November, I began to feel a natural turning of the wheel. My children are so grown up and doing such incredible work in the world. I love cooking soup in my son’s restaurant. My grandchildren will turn four and nine this summer and are developing into their own little beings. My husband turned seventy and has pieced together a succession plan for his financial business. And this energizer bunny has resolutely turned her attention to shifting, letting go, freeing up more time to just stop.
I did a heart-searching survey of what things I am working at that I love and what things I am working at because they have to be done, even though I might not love them. James Hillman reminded me that in our final life chapter we might naturally notice our energy investment goes to three departments: lasting (what we are still doing to create a legacy), leaving (what we are doing to let that legacy stand on its own) and gone (what we are doing to create space for final surrender). That’s a sobering view. I feel like I am wandering the halls of both lasting and leaving at the same time.
So in that pragmatic regard, what do I love enough to continue to invest in? Top of the list: treating patients in my studio. Such deep tenderness and satisfaction and incredible ease with almost every session. No preparation, simply utter presence and deep knowing. I can’t imagine not doing this work. It has been 47 years.
Next up? Teaching in two different fields. Adore teaching my weekly Deeper Being yoga class. It has taken years to find my ideal footing and supporting patients/students in their own home practice is an incredible fit. This also takes almost zero preparation because it comes right out of and serves as support of my own personal practice. Teaching yoga workshops with Kim Wagaman has been an added bonus blessing.
Then there’s holding space for 5Rhythms dance Wednesday night and Sunday morning. It has taken thirteen devotional years to create the strong container we enjoy in Sacramento. What I love about this work is the teaching itself, definitely more demanding than treating patients or teaching yoga. Though I’m capable of teaching on the fly, I generally prepare a playlist and flesh out a theme. Sometimes there’s great ease, sometimes it’s breath-taking-ly challenging. All in all, it’s edgy work for me and I adore it for that very reason. I’ve created spaciousness by pulling in other teachers which allows me to be out there dancing plenty as well. This dance practice continues to call and move me and I love the way it serves this community.
And here’s the rub. The day-to-day details required to offer 5Rhythms requires me to work at THINGS that need to be done, even though I don’t love doing these things. Think all things production: bookkeeping, marketing, scheduling, leasing space, crew coordination, workshop planning. For most of you out there, these efforts are invisible to the eye—and that’s as it should be. But it takes a ton of energy and after thirteen years, this is the piece I intend to let go of.
How this is going to happen is kind of a magical story. In retrospect I realize that my soul guide was at work four years ago when he delivered Majica Phillips right into my line of vision while dancing at Coloma one random Sunday. She had been dancing on that floor for years, but in that moment I knew somehow we were destined to work together. It was an immediate YES when I asked her to collaborate in teaching Cultivating Instinct.
I’m not sure when it became deeper than that. But I do remember a moment with her under my back yard tree when I told her she had the potential to lead this community. I watched her take that in and literally inhabit the notion. For the last three years she has been travelling globally, immersing herself in this richly-veined field of work. If you want some idea of what that means you might check out this LINK. I’m so proud of her growth, dedication and non-linear progress. It is no small thing. I look forward to witnessing, along with you, this emerging Sacramento voice.
So back to the THINGS. With the help of sweet hubby Majica and I drew up a three year succession plan. We are currently spending many hours together doing the THINGS together in the hopes that next year I can ease back into more of a consultant phase, continuing to enjoy doing the things I love. In some ways this workshop series we’re doing together mirrors this whole process. From instinct to compassion to intuition to destiny. Our final workshop next year, yet to be named, will happen just as she completes the year-long teacher training process. What a saga.
I am grateful for so much: to this evolving community that has been so steadfastly supportive, to Majica and her dedication, to practices that support transformation and evolution…and to the energizer bunny who may be losing a little steam but is nowhere done.
Please consider enrolling in the two workshop offerings in April:
Alive in creation, manifestation, nurturing and growing from scratch to fullness.
Love doing all this with you….bella